Engaging in a casual sexual relationship when you truly desire a committed relationship can lead to several potential difficulties. I know this first hand. I recently gave up a friend-with-benefits situation that has been going on for nearly five years, with a few meaningful relationships with other people in between. Although the six reasons I will unveil to you have been known to me for a while, and I like to believe that I am a woman with high self-worth and esteem, I still find myself in that dreadful situation with men who are incapable of commitment or lacking the emotional maturity to have an authentic emotional connection with an intimate partner. I knew the person I was having sex with outside a committed relationship was a dead end because, at his age(retiring age/peter-pan syndrome), he has no track record to suggest that he has been in meaningful relationships in the past. His interaction with me was devoid of any emotions or support. But why did I let it go on for so long? At one stage, it was boredom; other times, it was a way to get over the breakdown of meaningful relationships.
The thing that broke the camel's back with my Peter-pan syndrome friend-with-benefit was one morning, I received a text saying, "How are you, baby?" Knowing what this early or late text means, I reply, 'You want the English answer or the truth?" Naturally, the only logical answer from him is 'The truth'. I said, 'I'm okay, but I have been dealing with a crisis that comes with being an entrepreneur' and that I didn't sleep much last night. The following answer was "Oh dear", with an immediate "Are you still in bed?"
This means that if I am still in bed, there is an opportunity for sexting, which is always the only reason for those early morning texts. That morning, I wanted to talk through the crisis I was having. Given that he is much older and much more experienced, I thought perhaps I could get some advice as to how I can deal with the work crisis. Then again, I've never been asked about my work before.
I immediately went to make a list of what I was getting from this friend-with-benefit situation, and I came up with absolutely NOTHING. I had brunch with a friend that day, and we discussed it. When my friend asked me why I was in a relationship like that, I couldn't come up with a GOOD reason. The sex wasn't all that interesting. We go out to dinners and theatres every once in a while, which are all the things I do for myself anyway. Conversations never really got past the weather. It was then that my friend pointed out that I didn't have a 'friend with benefits'; I was giving someone access to me with no benefits to myself because what I really want is a relationship, emotional connection, mutual support, explorative sex, tantric sex which was non-existence in the relationship with the peter-pan. Because I couldn't have meaningful conversations I often have with my friends, he wasn't exactly a friend. And the only thing we had was the sex. Given that the sex wasn't the kind of sex I wanted in the first place, the relationship was meaningless in every way imaginable.
At the very least, friends-with-benefits involve some friendship.
Here are the six reasons I did the right thing, cutting it off with my Peter-pan for good. I hope other women can avoid these pitfalls in friend-with-benefits situations. 6 Reasons Why Women Should Give up Casual Sex Relationships.
Emotional Turmoil: You may develop stronger feelings for the other person while they remain interested only in a casual relationship. This unbalanced dynamic may lead to anxiety, depression, or lowered self-esteem. Many people, not just women, can become emotionally attached after sexual activity due to the release of bonding hormones. If the feelings aren't reciprocated, it might lead to distress and heartbreak. For me, I always knew that my situation wasn't going somewhere, so developing strong feelings wasn't an option. Still, there were times when I thought I could be in a relationship with him.
Misunderstanding: Maintaining hope that the other person will want a committed relationship can lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings, especially if they do not share your expectations or intentions.
Reputational Consequences: Unfortunately, double standards still exist in many societies where a woman engaging in casual sex faces more judgment and stigma than their male counterparts. You have to ask yourselves, is that sex I'm having worth it? Over time, the person you're having casual sex with will lose respect for you. The message you send to them is that you are not worth a meaningful relationship. So, why should they commit when they can access you whenever without putting out some resources?
Lost Opportunities: In a casual relationship, you may miss opportunities to meet someone interested in a committed relationship. If a woman desires a monogamous, committed relationship, investing time and emotional energy into a non-committal relationship could prevent her from pursuing relationships more aligned with her goals. This is a big one for me; why was I spending that time with someone I have no prospect of something meaningful with? I should have been focusing on finding a compatible partner.
Time Wastage: Spending time in a relationship that isn't moving in the direction you want can be seen as time wasted that could have been invested in personal growth or seeking relationships that align with your desires. I used to say between running a couple of companies and my family, I don't have time to date, yet I was giving that person my time with no output from them.
Power Dynamics: Non-committed relationships often lack the clarity and expectation-setting that provide a foundation for a balanced power dynamic. This may make it easier for manipulation or the unequal distribution of power. I notice this to some extent in my situation. There was this promise of more intimacy when I was away, but when I was with him, it was a completely different story. There was always the promise of more 'kisses', more 'snuggles' and 'long massages', which never materialised. Even if I initiate intimacy in the form of low and slow messages to him, his response is always pure carnal sex as we know it.
It's essential to understand your needs and wants in a relationship, communicate them effectively, and ensure that your actions reflect your desires. I wished I had stood my ground earlier and focused on the things that matter most instead of settling for breadcrumbs. Now, I have to say, my experience with my friend-with-benefit had nothing to do with him as a person. He's never been in a committed relationship, had no children, and he was just not right for me. However, I allowed the situation to go on for as long as it did; it
was my error in judgment, and it is not his fault for enjoying sex without commitment. I hope you enjoy the 6 Reasons Why Women Should Give up Casual Sex Relationships.
For more content like this, please donate what you can to help us grow. 10% of your donation will be pulled at the end of every fiscal year to help change the lives of single mothers in the community.
Peter-pan syndrome - Someone who is afraid of commitment, afraid of growing up and building an emotional connection with someone because they are stuck in a world where their freedom is fundamental and fearful of losing that freedom and control.
Comments