Who should pay for the dates? I know this question has stirred up debates for generations. I have gone through the 'independent woman’ and 'feminist' phase, but it hurt me financially and emotionally in dating more than it helps create a more equitable world for women. For this reason, I'm not shelling out my hard-earned cash for dates anymore, and before you call me cheap or a golddigger, let me break it down for you. Perhaps I am cheap; although I should be a golddigger, considering poverty is synonymous with women and children, I am not.
This decision is not about being stingy but about recognizing and addressing women's economic disparities and the role men can play in alleviating these disparities, especially in romantic relationships. In the past, men's roles have been well-defined, and there's no confusion about who is responsible for what. But now, more men feel emasculated, useless, lazy, and living without purpose. Meanwhile, more women have a college education and make more money than ever. However, women continue to suffer greater economic hardships than men. Here is why I am not Paying on Dates EVER.
Shockingly, according to the UN, women are disproportionately affected by poverty. Approximately 70% of the world's poor are women.. Yes, you read that right—7 out of 10 poor people are likely to be women or children. This is not just a statistic; it's a glaring injustice that needs to be addressed. So, if anyone needs to save some bucks, it's us women! Okay, you probably think that if both parties have similar incomes, they should split the bills. Wrong.
Let's imagine my boyfriend and I graduated from law school together and entered the job market simultaneously, even in the same firm. I am more likely to earn less than him. It's called the gender pay gap. Women get paid less in the same industry and with the same qualifications. To add insult to injury, coloured women earn even less than white women. Women are less likely to be promoted compared to men. This means fewer chances to move up the ladder and earn more money. God forbid I take breaks in my career to raise children or care for family members. These breaks will slow down my career progress and reduce my lifetime earnings. My boyfriend will continue to play the corporate games for a promotion. I also have to deal with workplace bias and negotiation differences between me and my boyfriend. So, if I make less and still split the bills with my boyfriend, at the same time, I am performing the caregiving and nurturing role as a feminine woman; I am wearing two hats. To pay the bills as a woman in a heterosexual relationship means I am also playing the provider role that was once reserved for the active, masculine partner. Do you see how this is an unattractive situation for me as a woman? Oh, my financial burden doesn't stop there; it gets worse.
Men have it easy: soap, shampoo, and a razor, and they're good to go. Women, on the other hand, are bombarded with a plethora of products: special shampoos, conditioners, tampons, pads, makeup, skincare routines, and the list goes on. Our bathroom counters look like a pharmacy exploded! My pink razor cost more than his blue razor. Can you imagine budgeting for all that to keep up with societal expectations? It's not just a matter of money; it's a societal pressure we must bear. It wasn't my brain that initially attracted my boyfriend to me; it was my external presentation. Men are visual creatures. Like every other man, my boyfriend likes it when I look my absolute best on dates with him. He likes that other man looks at me, but the sad truth is that it costs to stay fit and attractive. If my dress by design costs three times his suit, the least he can do is pick up the tab.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree? Let's start a conversation. The so-called equality movement sometimes puts more pressure on women than benefits us. Sure, it's about equal pay and rights, but we're adding more to our overflowing expense list in social situations like dates. Who thought this was fair? Men get to keep their money for gadgets and hobbies while we spend ours on staying presentable for the male gaze. Men can get away with a few staple pieces: jeans, some t-shirts, a couple of dress shirts, and they're all set. Women, however, are expected to have different outfits for every conceivable occasion. And guess what? Women's clothing is usually more expensive. We're expected to look like runway models for a dinner date but don't get me started on shoes. Seriously, why are heels so costly? And painful? It's not just about the money but the societal pressure we must bear to meet these expectations. After all, if I look good and feel good, chances are, I will make my date feel like a god. If I am worrying about the cost of the dress my boyfriend loves so much, the shoes, the corporate battle to get the same pay and respect as him, and paying half of the dinner date at the same time, chances are my libido will be asleep when we get home.
While we are on the subject of libido, as a woman, sexual relations affect me differently than men. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'sex is about mutual pleasure for both parties.' But let's face it, biologically, I have a lot more to lose sexually in the relationship. Here is how 'our mutual pleasure' is likely to land me into an unwanted pregnancy where I bear the greatest burden. It meant taking maternity leave at a firm where I was already making less money than my boyfriend and risking becoming redundant. As a woman, I am more likely to engage in sexual relations even when I am not in the mood or ready. But let's face it; if the man's happiness and well-being matter to me, I am more likely to get myself in the mood to accommodate his needs. If my date can't even pay the bills, how in the world am I supposed to trust that if something were to happen to me, he would be supportive and provide financially? The emotional and sexual burden placed on me as the feminine energy in the relationship is astronomical. At the very least, my boyfriend should be able to remove my financial burden and be a provider from the start.
If a man invests financially in our relationship, it shows me he values my time and company. It makes me feel respected and cherished. If my date doesn't pay on the first date and subsequent formal dates out, he sends me the message that he is not to be trusted as a provider and protector. I no longer need him to fight off lions in the jungle to keep me and our children safe, but I need to know he can provide for us. There is no safety in the union if our relationship is an added financial burden on me.
Let me make it clear: I don't know how this dating and relationship minefield works in same-sex relationships, but as a woman in a relationship with a man, if I split the bills or pay for a date during our courtship, forget it; I want nothing to do with you romantically. Because I know my roles and what I bring to the relationship. I bring Intellectual stimulation, nurture, vitality, care, and a soft and lighthearted environment for my boyfriend to come home to so he can strive socially, intellectually, and economically. The least he can do is be a provider in the relationship and protect.
Here are 7 reasons why I am not paying on dates ever, and they are good for the relationship.
1. Equality in Effort: In a relationship, both partners should contribute equally, but not necessarily in the same way. If my partner is paying for dates, it balances other contributions I make, such as emotional support or household duties. Let's be honest: no matter how much we say we will split the housework, it is never the case.
2. Historical Context: Traditionally, men have paid for dates and expenses to show they can provide and care for their partner. While times are changing, I still appreciate this gesture of responsibility and care.
3. Personal Valuation: If a man invests financially in our relationship, it shows me he values my time and company. It makes me feel respected and cherished.
4. Avoiding Financial Stress: Splitting bills and paying for dates can add financial stress to a relationship. Having one person handle these expenses simplifies things and reduces potential money conflicts. It also helps men to be more ambitious and give them a purpose.
5. Encouraging Partnership Roles: Not splitting bills can encourage a traditional partnership where both parties know their roles and responsibilities. It can create a balanced dynamic that works well for both people.
6. Focusing on Big Goals: I prefer to save my money for significant mutual investments like buying a home or planning a vacation together. This ensures that our financial contributions lead to meaningful achievements.
7. Setting Clear Expectations: By not splitting bills or paying for dates, I set a clear expectation for managing the relationship finances. This helps me find a partner whose views align with mine. When I plan a date for us, it is me who bears the financial burden, like buying theatre tickets and surprising my partner with tickets to see his favourite band. You get the picture.
After considering these factors, I've come to a clear conclusion. It's not about being stingy. It's about economic survival and emotional stability! So, considering women's higher expenses and the sheer injustice of it all, how about picking up the tab? It's an investment in a happier, more financially balanced date. This is not a plea for charity but a call for men to take financial responsibility in dating and relationships and consider the economic disparities women face and what they bring into the relationship.
7 Reasons Why I am not Paying on Dates EVER
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L J Louis is an aspiring international trade lawyer, writer, foodie, and women's advocate with a double major degree in psychology and criminology, a Bachelor of Law(Hons LLB) degree, and an advanced fitness and health promotion diploma. She writes and creates content about human sexuality, sex positivity, health, psychology, and Meghan Markle.
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